Leave In Conditioner Pt.1

Esteemed members of The Board,

I am taking this opportunity to record my experiences of this evening. I am not sure of my current location and I have been experiencing minor to extreme jostling of
realities. Do not be alarmed. I will remain in control of my Hairstyles and all your psychic secretions are intact within me.

As you know I received the crate full of Hairstyles For Spaceships products yesterday with great enthusiasm. This evening as the sun went down I crossed the parking lot under flickering street lights and entered the dentists office. Upon crossing the threshold of that unholy place I knew I was experiencing a dimensional exchange.

I heard a very distant musical source transmitting a very scratchy and distorted version of Bread's "Baby I'm A Want You" and it made me feel the anxiety of home. I
scanned the waiting room and reception.For all the decay and conditions of distress in all of the other storefront units in this strip mall wonderland I was amazed at
the pristine qualities of this office. The paint was fresh and the industrial carpet looked good enough to eat.The furniture choices were impeccably chosen. On the
wall there were 12 strange jaws of gold. They were large mouths, each filled with vicious looking teeth grown in at every possible angle. There was no geometry that
could explain the logic behind the glamor of these artifacts. I started down the hall towards what I assumed was the work chambers of The Dentists. A pale blue light
was flickering erratically and I was drawn to it's information rich pulsing. The incredible number of chrome instruments in the otherwise white room bounced the light into an infinity of abstract chaos with each step I took. The closer I got to the room the more steady the lights pulse became until I finally passed through the door and the light became a solid state miracle of modern florescence. The room was minimal, sustaining its anemic function with only a perfect white vinyl dentists chair with all of the strange hoses and chrome attachments you could hope for. With the inescapable saturation of overhead lighting I connected with throbbing eyeballs to the generic lifestyle of suburbia as it was experienced by the inhabitants of Newton at the height of its glory days.From my pocket I took the Magnetic Bloat
products and I prepared the sacrament. I unscrewed the cap on the shampoo two turns to the left beyond the unknown and the cap on the Leave In
Conditioner until three turns into one. I placed the two bottles at the edge of the sink and became undressed. I laid my paleness onto the inviting landscape of the
dentists chair.

Under the influence of the confusion of trying to decipher the realities in between mini blinds I could see the bats from the distant caves rise and obscure the bloody colored smear on the sky as the day gave itself up to night. I heard the undead invisibly enter the room. Locks on doors turned behind themselves. Knobs on tanks of gas began to turn and I heard hissing sounds as mystery filled the air.The rising of musics from an unspecified dimension were recognized by my mentals as Bread but in a lobotomized and mutant rototiller version of the original. My eyes became heavy and my senses dulled, but emotionally I was receiving transmissions of
the behind the scenes plumbing taking on a self imposed re-arrangement.

Pipes from behind the walls came undone and fought their way out of the walls. They twisted themselves around and tore through the drywall of new construction and
positioned themselves over my head spaces. Water began to drip and flow from this new arrangement of copper inventory. As you promised the water sources of this region are heavily fluoridated and as it flowed across my brow and through my follicles of impermanence and into my brain dead regionals I could feel the journey into disbelief begin.

The water flowed and my hairstyle became saturated with mindlessness. I felt the hands of the undead upon me.With the emptiness of my eyes in their last attempts to hang on to visions of one reality before passing into another, I saw their bony fingers and connected with their memories of press on nails with hieroglyphics and bar codes imprinted on them. The bottle of shampoo was raised above my head with both hands and the contents were squeezed onto me.They ran the products of Hairstyles For Spaceships through my protein tendrils and let the pipes rinse it out. I felt nothing. My mind became the blank slate of eternity. The bottle of leave in conditioner was raised with the grave motivations of transcendence. My eyes were open and paralyzed by fear and hysteria at this point. Then I saw unseen hands squeeze the bottle powerfully. The contents were being emptied upon my empty head.Now with sharpened finger nails and poisoned motives those fingers that were squeezing product like thick rotten rain down on my innocence ran through my scalp and my skull ind into my brain and I felt them go deep with the leave in conditioner.The sockets in my eyes went elastic and with newly installed soft neon electric eyelashes I saw through infinity. Their bony tarsals began to massage my mind, scraping off goo and repossessing the frequencies that were once reserved for navigating the reality labyrinth of the invisible landscape.

The next thing I knew I was standing in the waiting room. In the fragmented reflections of the gold jaws on the wall that were now snapping open and shut in manic irregularities and still confusing the shit out of me, I saw myself and the amazing Hairstyle that had made itself home on my head, and for some reason I was dressed business casual.

As the jaws snapped open and closed they sang a low distorted chorus of "It don't Matter To Me". I stood in the open door and looked out past the edge of the parking lot. The bodies of every believer that had ever lived in Newton was silhouetted against a rising full moon, moving in the same undead direction towards the revival tent which was beginning to make itself known to my distant peripheries. I saw them moving with their arms reaching out for any version of infinity they could perceive. They grew in number and soon spilled from the sidewalks and into the street until the entire road was choked with the traffics of these mindless shadows of their once living selves. Dressed in their falling apart burial clothes they staggered forwards with their heads tilted back, mouths open to the sky and frothing with the bloody foams of their insides. I turned and looked in the direction they were moving and saw spotlights reaching with panic into the sky searching I am sure for Manana Overdrive. Signaling him to align with the vacant psychic energy of the tent and to accommodate whatever menace it had in store. I locked into every vacuum of mindlessness I saw pass and knew I must follow this hoard of the undead....