It is Data Olds first day at her new school. When she arrives a thick fog is burning off in the rising valley sun. Teenagers groggy from teeth falling out nightmares stumble around in the amphitheater. She arrives early as directed by Principal Drippypants to her parents. The Principal has an unnerving, tooth filled smile that never stops. He is also incontinent and appears unashamed of the piss all over the front of his pants. After a brief introduction that consisted mainly of a thorough inspection of her teeth and a warning to stay clear of Hudson Merriweather and his "Hairstyles" she is transitioned into the rank and file of the student body with a chaperon wearing elaborate headgear and acting robotic. The chaperon introduces herself as Kim. As they move through the busy hallways Data is surprised by the number of kids with elaborate and bizarre forms of headgear. She asks her emotionless guide about it but is only further confused by the answer.
"I am not your spirit guide Data, I am only supposed to show you where your locker is and then take you to your first period class. If you require more input on the standards of dental hygiene that are to be maintained by the students at this institution I suggest you begin by....wait a second....do you hear that?"
"Hear what?" Data asks.
Kim touches her headgear with her hand and closes her eyes "ahhhhh....". She smiles and enters a state of deep relaxation. When her moment is over the genuinely happy look on her face is replaced by the robotic blankness from earlier.
"What was that?" Data asks confused.
"What was what?"
"What did you just hear? How do I find out about dental hygiene standards?"
"What are you talking about? Oh look, here's your locker.
Data is shown the combination to her locker and as promised she is walked to her first class. They stand outside the door and Kim touches Datas arm and says "Wait here a second, they're coming."
"Who is?" Asks Data
"Hudson Merriweather and The Hairstyles, he's the cutest boy in school." The bell rings and kids scramble inside their classrooms. As this goes on Hudson Merriweather and The Hairstyles enter the building. They stroll casually down the hall with their fabulousness back lit by the blinding sun. They are silhouettes of perfection. They are all to beautiful for words. They evoke more of an animal sound that the girls have a difficult time suppressing. While the beauty of each of the Hairstyles is impossible to comprehend somehow Hudson manages to look better than the rest. The two girls stand in drooling awe of his hyper-attractive teenage glory. As they approach a sensor on Kims headgear is activated and she grabs at her jaw in pain and ducks inside the classroom. Hudson and The Hairstyles arrive at the door and walk past Data who is now paralyzed by her proximity to their perfection. As they pass the eyes of Hudson and Data meet. Once their eyes lock Data doesn't take her eyes off of Hudson for a second. She watches as he and the rest of The Hairstyles take their seats in the back of the class. She is still standing in the door staring at Hudson unaware that now the whole class including the teacher are all looking at her.
"Ahem!" The teacher gets her attention. "Are you Ms. Olds?"
"Oh...excuse me, yes sir"
"Principal Drippypants told me I would be getting a new student today. I am Mr. Suck and this is Chemistry of Oral Traditions. Now let me ask you something Ms. Olds, do you think you are going to be able to avoid being distracted by Mr. Merriweathers handsomeness long enough to do some learning today?
The class erupts into laughter and Data blushes. "Yes sir".
"Good. Have a seat then."
Data sits down in the only open desk and can't help but sneak another look over her shoulder at Hudson. He is still staring at her. She smiles and he smiles back.
"Now class I hope that by now you have all memorized the elements of the periodic table of toothpastes....."
Data spends the rest of her morning in classes that have a foundation in traditional educationals but with a heavy helping of dental hygiene added. She feels like her classmates with the headgear are able to process this weird information easily while she finds herself unable to place all of reality into this specific context.
By the time the bell for lunch rings her head is done. She wanders into the cafeteria and looks around for Hudson. She does not see him but she does spot Kim who is standing on top of a table and waving her arms wildly, signaling Data to come over and have lunch with her. As she crosses the cafeteria she can feel eyes all over her and she can hear whispering. She knows they are talking about her
Data sits down with Kim who has her robotic personality back.
"Data the whole school is talking. Tell me everything"
They begin to eat.
"Everything about what?"
Kim is eating foods high in Calcium which is a prime ingredient for preventing tooth decay, especially for growing children. Dairy is a great source, with choices such as milk, yogurt and cheese. And calcium isn't hiding in the fat, so skim milk and low-fat yogurt are just as good. Other options are leafy greens such as broccoli and bok choy, canned fish with bones, almonds, Brazil nuts and dried beans.
"About you and Hudson Merriweather. You really caught his eye this morning. And he's been asking about you."
"I am not your spirit guide Data, I am only supposed to show you where your locker is and then take you to your first period class. If you require more input on the standards of dental hygiene that are to be maintained by the students at this institution I suggest you begin by....wait a second....do you hear that?"
"Hear what?" Data asks.
Kim touches her headgear with her hand and closes her eyes "ahhhhh....". She smiles and enters a state of deep relaxation. When her moment is over the genuinely happy look on her face is replaced by the robotic blankness from earlier.
"What was that?" Data asks confused.
"What was what?"
"What did you just hear? How do I find out about dental hygiene standards?"
"What are you talking about? Oh look, here's your locker.
Data is shown the combination to her locker and as promised she is walked to her first class. They stand outside the door and Kim touches Datas arm and says "Wait here a second, they're coming."
"Who is?" Asks Data
"Hudson Merriweather and The Hairstyles, he's the cutest boy in school." The bell rings and kids scramble inside their classrooms. As this goes on Hudson Merriweather and The Hairstyles enter the building. They stroll casually down the hall with their fabulousness back lit by the blinding sun. They are silhouettes of perfection. They are all to beautiful for words. They evoke more of an animal sound that the girls have a difficult time suppressing. While the beauty of each of the Hairstyles is impossible to comprehend somehow Hudson manages to look better than the rest. The two girls stand in drooling awe of his hyper-attractive teenage glory. As they approach a sensor on Kims headgear is activated and she grabs at her jaw in pain and ducks inside the classroom. Hudson and The Hairstyles arrive at the door and walk past Data who is now paralyzed by her proximity to their perfection. As they pass the eyes of Hudson and Data meet. Once their eyes lock Data doesn't take her eyes off of Hudson for a second. She watches as he and the rest of The Hairstyles take their seats in the back of the class. She is still standing in the door staring at Hudson unaware that now the whole class including the teacher are all looking at her.
"Ahem!" The teacher gets her attention. "Are you Ms. Olds?"
"Oh...excuse me, yes sir"
"Principal Drippypants told me I would be getting a new student today. I am Mr. Suck and this is Chemistry of Oral Traditions. Now let me ask you something Ms. Olds, do you think you are going to be able to avoid being distracted by Mr. Merriweathers handsomeness long enough to do some learning today?
The class erupts into laughter and Data blushes. "Yes sir".
"Good. Have a seat then."
Data sits down in the only open desk and can't help but sneak another look over her shoulder at Hudson. He is still staring at her. She smiles and he smiles back.
"Now class I hope that by now you have all memorized the elements of the periodic table of toothpastes....."
Data spends the rest of her morning in classes that have a foundation in traditional educationals but with a heavy helping of dental hygiene added. She feels like her classmates with the headgear are able to process this weird information easily while she finds herself unable to place all of reality into this specific context.
"Data the whole school is talking. Tell me everything"
They begin to eat.
"Everything about what?"
Kim is eating foods high in Calcium which is a prime ingredient for preventing tooth decay, especially for growing children. Dairy is a great source, with choices such as milk, yogurt and cheese. And calcium isn't hiding in the fat, so skim milk and low-fat yogurt are just as good. Other options are leafy greens such as broccoli and bok choy, canned fish with bones, almonds, Brazil nuts and dried beans.
"About you and Hudson Merriweather. You really caught his eye this morning. And he's been asking about you."
Data is eating a tuna fish sandwich that her mom made. Her teeth don"t know what is going on.
" If a thing like that can really ever be confirmed I would have to say yes."
"Huh?"
"He's totally into you. Oh my god there he is."
Hudson and his crew appear in the doorway and scan the room with sunglasses covered eyes. They have all changed their clothes and their hairstyles since Data has seen them last. Hudson locks his eyes on Data and starts to move in her direction.
"Oh geez, he's coming over here." Says Data smiling with a mouthfull of cookie. "Hey Kim, my mom made these cookies, they're really good do you want one?"
Kim is lost in Hudsons approaching handsomeness and isn't thinking clearly. "Sure, i'll have one" she says mindlessly. Without thinking she pops the cookie in her mouth and begins to chew. Almost instantly Kims headgear begins to malfunction. Smoke starts spilling out of her ears and sparks start shooting everywhere. Alarmed headgear wearing kids gather around asking Data what happened.
"I don't know, I just gave her a cookie and when she ate it her headgear started going haywire."
"A cookie?! Oh my god stand back!"
The smoke and sparks build in intensity until there is an enormous exploding of Kims head. It gets all over everybody. The Headgears are furious. They are circled around Data and she is really afraid. They are yelling and throwing food and exploded bits of Kims head at her. It is getting close to real violence when suddenly Hudson and The Hairstyles break through the mob. Hudson picks her up and screams at the crowd "She didn't know!" He puts an arm around her and leads her through the crowd that The Hairstyles are forcing their way through.
They all head out to the parking lot. When they arrive at their cars which are all custom jobs of obscure beauty and questionable functionality. The Hairstyles all assume casual postures of limited engagement with reality. Hudson asks Data "Are you all right?"
"Yeah i'm fine I guess."
"That was pretty close back there. I guess you learned the hard way about giving sugary food to a Headgear."
"Is that what you guys call them? Headgears?"
"Yeah. Most of the kids around here are Headgears and if they aren't already they will be soon. Those crazy contraptions get put on by The Dentists and once they are on they stay on. There's all kinds of weird stuff built into the technology, not just for teeth but for tuning your mind deeper into specific cosmic frequencies...anyway, sugar overloads the system and then..."
"Their heads explode. Is she gonna be ok?"
"Depends by what you mean ok"
They both laugh.
Hudson convinces Data not to go back to school after lunch because everyone will still be really mad at her and they might mess up her hair. "But don't worry everything will be ok tomorrow" he tells her. He offers to drive her home after showing her around town. The other Hairstyles disappear into the bland curvature of suburbia and Hudson and Data take off on their own.
They quickly drive through Newton as Hudson points out the sights. They drive past the business park. "Oh that's where my dad works I guess" says Data.
"Lucky him" replies Hudson in a sarcastic tone and continues "Look over there, there's some tract houses and over there there's some more tract houses and over there there's even more tract houses. And if you look closely you will notice that they all look exactly the same"
Suddenly there is a psychic break in the landscape. Data is not sure why but everything just feels different. Hudson asks her "You felt that right?"
"Yeah, I sure did."
"Welcome to Old Town" he says.
" If a thing like that can really ever be confirmed I would have to say yes."
"Huh?"
"He's totally into you. Oh my god there he is."
Hudson and his crew appear in the doorway and scan the room with sunglasses covered eyes. They have all changed their clothes and their hairstyles since Data has seen them last. Hudson locks his eyes on Data and starts to move in her direction.
"Oh geez, he's coming over here." Says Data smiling with a mouthfull of cookie. "Hey Kim, my mom made these cookies, they're really good do you want one?"
Kim is lost in Hudsons approaching handsomeness and isn't thinking clearly. "Sure, i'll have one" she says mindlessly. Without thinking she pops the cookie in her mouth and begins to chew. Almost instantly Kims headgear begins to malfunction. Smoke starts spilling out of her ears and sparks start shooting everywhere. Alarmed headgear wearing kids gather around asking Data what happened.
"I don't know, I just gave her a cookie and when she ate it her headgear started going haywire."
"A cookie?! Oh my god stand back!"
The smoke and sparks build in intensity until there is an enormous exploding of Kims head. It gets all over everybody. The Headgears are furious. They are circled around Data and she is really afraid. They are yelling and throwing food and exploded bits of Kims head at her. It is getting close to real violence when suddenly Hudson and The Hairstyles break through the mob. Hudson picks her up and screams at the crowd "She didn't know!" He puts an arm around her and leads her through the crowd that The Hairstyles are forcing their way through.
They all head out to the parking lot. When they arrive at their cars which are all custom jobs of obscure beauty and questionable functionality. The Hairstyles all assume casual postures of limited engagement with reality. Hudson asks Data "Are you all right?"
"Yeah i'm fine I guess."
"That was pretty close back there. I guess you learned the hard way about giving sugary food to a Headgear."
"Is that what you guys call them? Headgears?"
"Yeah. Most of the kids around here are Headgears and if they aren't already they will be soon. Those crazy contraptions get put on by The Dentists and once they are on they stay on. There's all kinds of weird stuff built into the technology, not just for teeth but for tuning your mind deeper into specific cosmic frequencies...anyway, sugar overloads the system and then..."
"Their heads explode. Is she gonna be ok?"
"Depends by what you mean ok"
They both laugh.
Hudson convinces Data not to go back to school after lunch because everyone will still be really mad at her and they might mess up her hair. "But don't worry everything will be ok tomorrow" he tells her. He offers to drive her home after showing her around town. The other Hairstyles disappear into the bland curvature of suburbia and Hudson and Data take off on their own.
They quickly drive through Newton as Hudson points out the sights. They drive past the business park. "Oh that's where my dad works I guess" says Data.
"Lucky him" replies Hudson in a sarcastic tone and continues "Look over there, there's some tract houses and over there there's some more tract houses and over there there's even more tract houses. And if you look closely you will notice that they all look exactly the same"
Suddenly there is a psychic break in the landscape. Data is not sure why but everything just feels different. Hudson asks her "You felt that right?"
"Yeah, I sure did."
"Welcome to Old Town" he says.
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